Mother’s Day has many different connotations for people, from wonderful to painful, and everywhere in between. For me the journey towards motherhood has been a profoundly significant part of my story.
For as long as I could remember I have held the dream of getting pregnant and carrying the gift, of the wonder of life inside of me. I was so excited about getting married as I anticipated being a part of God’s creative process of bringing children into the world. I asked God about the children He had for me; when He gave me a glimpse of who they would be, I began prophesying over them.
For me, having children was not a fleeting “maybe someday” plan. It was my biggest dream. Even in high school when people asked me what I wanted to do in life, I said that I wanted to get married and be a stay-at-home mom. I had vision for intentionally raising children who would love God and others, with whole hearts.
So, when Roger and I married in 2005 I felt like my deepest dreams were about to be fulfilled. The joy and anticipation was wondrous… until I did not immediately get pregnant. Every month felt like a roller coaster of hoping and waiting.
In February of 2007 I finally got pregnant. We were beyond joyful. We told everyone. Our family and friends were thrilled with us.
Until one day… at work… I began to bleed… Over the next few days I curled up with the LORD and wept, and prayed—at times boldly, as times desperately—for a miracle… I will not go on and on, but as we lost this little one—who I already felt like I knew, and loved immensely—I experienced a devastation that was truly beyond words. The waves of grief made it difficult to breathe.
In the process of seeking the LORD and healing, I went to a conference at Bethel Church. Knowing that in God’s economy recompense is a double-portion I asked God to give me a prophetic word about having twins. This had been a specific cry of my heart, especially since we lost our baby. That night, April 5, 2007, Roger and I got a powerful and specific word, from Kim Clement. He prophesied that we would have 2 sets of twins! I was floating with joy and renewed anticipation.
I was so expectant… I did not, however, get pregnant again until August of 2008. I was ecstatic and grateful. No matter what else happened in my day-to-day life, I was full of joy… until my first ultrasound appointment when we saw that there was a problem. I refused this prognosis. I declared life and resurrection within my womb. We waited, and prayed, and worshiped! I didn’t miscarry, but after 4 weeks of contending, and 3 ultrasounds that did not show a heartbeat we decided to follow the doctors advice and have a D & C. This is on my list of one of the hardest things I have ever had to do—going home with empty arms and an even emptier heart. My questions and longings did not come with answers… There was no comfort, except when I lost myself in Him.
After our second miscarriage we pursued fertility treatments, unsuccessfully.
Year after year I waited and asked… “God, You promised this to us, didn’t You? What are You doing?” How do I position my heart …every Mother’s Day? …every day? What do I do with my deepest heart’s desire, unfulfilled, and now naturally impossible?
I don’t know. I still don’t know. And, although things have gotten better, I have to admit that I had several meltdowns before Mother’s Day, again, this year. The tears flowed, seemingly involuntarily—like blood would flow from a wound.
So when the “involuntary” waves of ache and longing come, what can I do so that I am not swept away by them? How do I walk in triumph here?
Believing that victory is always possible, regardless of our circumstances (2 Corinthians 2:14), I began to follow the examples of those who walked before me in triumph. I considered Paul, and Abraham, and David… and Habakkuk:
“though the fig tree should not blossom and there is no fruit on the vines,
though the yield of the olive should fail, and the fields produce no food,
though the flock should be cut off from the fold, and there be no cattle in the stalls,
(though I may not have the most core things in life)
yet I will exult in the LORD, I will rejoice in the God of my salvation, the LORD God is my strength, and He has made my feet like hinds’ feet, and He makes me walk on my high places.” Habakkuk 3:17-19
Yes, I choose to worship and lift Him high! And, I found that it is impossible to lift Him up without my own heart being buoyed up. The truth is that He is worthy of it All! And when I simply posture my heart to give Him the exaltation He is due, the sweet by-product is the healing and alignment of my heart.
This is true regardless of the situation. Rejoicing in Him and ascribing glory to His name shifts Everything! Lifting Him up changes my perspective; it brings His strength into the empty places in my life. Worshipping Him in the valley transports me to the high place—where I walk with Him.
Practically, how do I lift Him high in this place of deep loss?
First, I choose—I set my heart—to Remember! I focus on who He is and what He’s done. I have begun a list of God’s attributes (that I was inspired to compile after listening to Bob Hartley), that I declare any time I do not feel like I am walking in victory, any time I feel defeated, or like there’s injustice.
Then I say something like: You are God! You are Mighty to save. You are True and Beautiful, and full of Life. You are Sovereign and You hold all things in the palm of Your hand. You are Just and Your Recompense is my inheritance. You are my inheritance! You are my exceedingly great Reward. You are my Hope, and Your Power is exalted above the heavens and the earth. You are above all things, and in You all things are held together. You hold me together, and have only good for me. Thank You for…
I keep declaring until I feel a shift from grief to joy; from disappointment to hope; from loss to faith… I declare His Name and Character until I feel loved by, and connected to, Him.
This is what I did this Mother’s Day. And it has allowed me, for the first time, topublically own: I am a Mother! And even though I don’t presently get to enjoy my children, I choose joy. I choose to worship. I choose to live in the fullness of His immeasurable goodness, by remembering, and meditating on Him…
LORD, You are:
~Absolutely Amazing, my Abba, Alpha & Omega, the Anointed One who Answers prayer…
~my Bright and morning star, Beautiful, my Banner, Breastplate and Bridegroom…
~my Cornerstone, Christ, my Covenant God, Compassionate, Consuming Fire, the Captain of the Hosts…
Please join me. Make your list…lift Him high with me. It’ll change your life.