The Purpose & The Prize

Difficult times come in life. What do we do with them? How do we access God’s hope and perspective as He “causes all things to work out for good” in our lives? What do we do when persevering seems unbearable and like a dead end?

I have had the opportunity to practice pursuing God’s heart in this place of “not understanding why things seem so hard, or take so long”.

My husband, Roger, and I recently moved and are still unpacking items that have been in storage. This process of going through things—that we have not seen for some time—has brought both delight and heart-wrenching pain. What do I do with all the prophetic gifts and words that I am finding that have not been fulfilled and naturally no longer have a possibility of being fulfilled?

My biggest natural desire in life was to get married and have many children. I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom and pour life and destiny into my children. I have gotten so many powerful and sweet promises from God over the years about having children. Some even before I had gotten married, and many after. Having children became my greatest desire—too important, in fact. I got to repent and put it in its rightful place before God, but it still felt like it was His strong destiny for me.

And yet now, 8 years of marriage and 2 miscarriages later, I am in my mid-40’s. I have overcome a harrowing life-threatening illness where God has restored my life (but where I am still taking very strong medications not conducive with fertility), and I stand before Him, continuing to ask.

As I unpack, what do I do with the three carved Willow Tree statues of the pregnant woman that three different people gave me on three different occasions? What do I do with the prophetic art, of a pregnant women standing next to a crib that has been tucked away for these last few years? Do get rid of the blanket, the ballet shoes, the booties, and baby gifts that have been given to me over the years? What about the four little outfits that an intercessor gave me after I had a public prophetic word that we would have children (from Kim Clement in April of 2007)? I have handfuls of things that I have found over these last few weeks… Do I keep them or let them go? But more importantly, do I keep the hope in my heart for the promise—like Abraham did, or…?

How do we practically live when life does not work out the way we believe it should, or have been “promised” it would?

I will tell you what I have come to know: He is my Prize! My God is my Exceedingly Great Reward! In all things, favorable and difficult, we have an opportunity.

Will we tuck into Him? Will we sync the rhythm of our heart to His? Is it possible to worship His greatness and goodness in a place of natural unfulfillment?

It is! We each have an internal need for connection with God. I also believe that every human being has a longing heart-desire that God has put within us that defines our destiny on earth. It is this place that seems to be most fiercely tested in each of our lives. It is here that we get to choose who He is to us. Will He be God above our desire? Will we find Him in it, instead of letting our desire dictate who we are, or are not?

There is place of sacred sweetness, of fellowship with Him—that He invites us into, in the midst of our difficultly—that is so tender and so tangible that it is beyond words.

As I embrace, and surrender, and long for, and ask in this place, I love. I love Him. I love Him more than what He put into my heart to want. I choose to lift Him high when I hurt, and see others enjoying what I’ve desired for decades. And I have discovered that in this place there something profoundly special and intimate that we can develop with Him through the fodder of our desire.

The Purpose for our heart desire is to bring the most core, deepest part of us to Him. 

Our call and destiny ultimately brings us to the Prize—which is Himself.

I believe He absolutely wants to fulfill the things He put as desires in our hearts. But first those things—being hand-designed to demand our attention—are to bring us to Him.